A Selfish Retrospect That I Am Okay With

**My grandpa loved Merle Haggard and it just so happened that he inherited his dad's old fiddle.  It is now in a display case hanging in my own dad's house. 

Near the end of David Copperfield, several things happen almost all at once in David's life that sets him on a course away from England for a time of travel.  He makes his escape without much thought of reflection until his mind decides that he cannot afford to mentally run away from the tragedies that has befallen him.  In the meantime, he writes his books and he meets people - all the while keeping himself fairly secluded.  Eventually he returns to his home only to discover he is somewhat surprised that life seems to have moved on during his absence.  But he is happy because he feels clarity stealing over him like the light from a hot summer sun even in the midst of regretted realizations. 

I've been thinking about that part of the story since last week.  I feel jealous of David Copperfield, for he picks up and runs away from everything that happened without much of a second thought.  He does so being fully aware that his troubles will follow him, but he knows it will help him.  It is a much needed break from reality that I long for. 

What do I say about the last week that hasn't been said in the past?  More specifically, that wasn't said two years ago?  My dad buried his dad, us three grandkids buried our last grandparent last Saturday.  After my sister and brother in-law went home, life returned to routine as usual.  It felt almost disrespectful - like life would be doing us all a favor if it would just stop dead in its tracks for a few more days so we could catch up.  Everything happened so fast even though we all saw it coming.  Once again, it feels so unfair.

My grandfather passed away a week ago just before I walked in the door to his room.  Had I not paid a visit to the coffee shop before heading there, I would have been there when it happened.  It felt like a dream and yet I cried with the recognition of the finality of it.  His pain had come to an end.

Now, as you know, I only speak for myself in this blog and I leave the feelings of my family out of it for reasons of respect and privacy.  I will only say that I think we all agreed that last week felt surreal.  He died early Wednesday morning, the obituary showed up in the paper on Friday, his services were on Saturday.  Now it is Wednesday and things are finally starting to hit home.  I don't care about anything right now. 

I have better coping skills than I did two years ago and I also have a much better environment in which to grieve such a large loss, but I still have to remember to be gentle and kind with myself.  Even as I write this I can feel different emotions welling up inside of me and I can't make heads or tails of them.  What I do know is that they all stem from a root emotion.  It is sadness.  I'm just very very sad. 

My grandfather was a very kind, generous, and caring man.  He had a quirky sense of humor and an ability to make light of just about anything.  And just like my other grandparents, the man knew how to really smile. 

He touched many lives, for whomever he met or came across instantly became his friend.  My grandfather is missed by a great many people including family.  I miss him!

He and I bonded a great deal when his wife, my grandmother, passed away.  We were the only two there when it happened.  We had many conversations with each other ranging from the afterlife to past memories, and we hung out quite a lot.  I eventually moved into the same apartment complex as him and we even took a road trip to Boise, Idaho once.  I don't plan to move out of my apartment, but it does feel different living here now. 

I gave a talk at his funeral services.  I was up after the Airforce performed military honors.  We watched the two soldiers salute the hearse as it drove up, we watched the folding of the flag, we watched as it was presented to my dad, and then we listened as one soldier played "Taps" on the bugle perfectly...and we all sobbed.  It was my turn then - to pay tribute to my grandfather on behalf of my family - with humor, grace, and with the intent to bid a farewell that was worthy of him.  It took me a while but I got through it.  I said goodbye to my last grandparent. 

Even at my age (36) it was always a comfort to have the grandparents around whenever I wanted to feel like a spoiled ten year old kid.  I ran to them when I disliked my parents, and I enjoyed their company even when I had my own place to run to.  Now I only have my memories to run to. 

So what am I feeling now?  I feel sad for my loss, I feel mad that time didn't stand still to show some respect that I lost someone near and dear to me, I feel like a mist has settled over my eyes and turned all of last week into a strange dream, and I feel the brick of reality creeping up to let me know that all of this is real.  I feel selfish and a bit self-absorbed in my own mourning and I'm okay with this.  Gone are the days of my judging myself harshly for what I feel.  It is what I feel, and no one can take that away from me. 

I know I'm not alone in this.  I know that my dad, my mom, my brother, and my sister are all feeling their own series of confusing emotions as well.  To them and to myself I say that we will get through it together, but don't be afraid to be selfish on your own accounts.  I didn't want to face life today so I allowed myself to sleep 14 hours.  I've kept my blinds shut up against my windows because if life can give it a bit of a rest for me, it can in my own space.  Allow yourselves to do whatever you have to do to feel what you feel.  It doesn't make it feel better but you'll experience the movement of your emotions and you won't get stuck.  That's important! 

That said, I still wish I could go.  We lost three parents/grandparents in the small space of two years.  That's not a lot of time.  And so it is that I wish I could pick up and go somewhere - alone - like David Copperfield.  I wouldn't be able to spend three years away but I could do a week.  I could jump on a plane or in my car, put the doggy in overnight camp at his favorite place, and take off with a few books, my laptop (for writing), and my journal. 

I could make life just stop for a while.

You are much loved, Grandpa!  Thank you for spending a little more time with us, but you are home now.  Tell Grandma Sipes and Grandparent's Aalders we all said hi!

Jasper Glen Sipes

December 9th, 1932 - May 15th, 2013

2010 Wendover, NV. @ Rainbow Hotel/Casino



What Love Means...

*Disclaimer:  This entry is going to be an emotional doozy.  You've been warned!  :-)



From Tuesday's With Morrie

I don't even know how to begin this entry.  I thought about starting it off with a quote or two, but that doesn't feel right, and yet I did it anyway.  I thought about writing about the events of the last week leading up to what I truly want to write about, but that doesn't feel right either.  My mind feels weighed down by a numb sort of pain.  It feels like it is too soon to be here once again. 

I'm not going to give details; I only want to say that we, as in my family and I, wait for what has now become inevitible far earlier than we thought.  We stand by and we wait to lose a loved one.  We hope, in spite of our selfish heart's desires, that the wait is not long for the sake of our loved one. 

And so, just like I have done before, I write to process my feelings and I put them here where people can see them so that maybe they will know that I suffer with compassion and with love.  This is what I do in the face of tragedy and so I can bring order to my thoughts.  Here we go...

To relate my own feelings to you I have to put this as plainly and as raw as I possibly can.  The past two and a half months since my last grandparent fell and suffered injuries have been difficult.  He has been on a physical health rollercoaster ride; sometimes having good days, and sometimes having really bad days.  It has been difficult for me not to keep myself guarded in the face of what could possibly be his demise even in the face of constant hope that he would be just fine.  Well, he is going to be just fine, but he will leave behind a broken-hearted family. 

So, that being said, I make no presumptions about other people's feelings in my family therefore I only write about my own.  You need to be aware of that before I continue. 

What do I feel?  I feel confused and pain-stricken.  It was two years ago that both of my grandmothers died seven weeks apart from each other and yet it feels like it was only two months ago at best.  It feels too bloody soon to be doing this again especially since my relationship to him had become much closer since my grandmother passed away.  It hardly seems fair. 

I also feel fear which is something I've been feeling since he sustained his injuries.  Here is where my heart bleeds and I convey to you my guilt and my simultaneous relief. 

I haven't seen him much since he fell.  Only a handful of people know why, but I'm going to put it here because I am probably not the only one that has been here.  Anyway, I have probably only seen him four times since he first went into the hospital because I've been afraid.  I've been afraid based on past history.  Two years ago I felt like I spent every waking moment in hospitals doing my best to bring my grandmothers comfort and to seek comfort for myself.  I don't regret this, but what I found difficult was the fact that it took a long time for me to recall happy memories of my grandmothers after watching them go.  The images I had stuck in my head were of them dreadfully sick.  I guess I don't want the same thing to happen when my grandpa goes away. 

Here is where the guilt comes in.  Here is where I start judging myself for not going to see him much more often.  My fear has driven me to keep a distance and the result is a bit of guilt.  I feel selfish and yet I also feel relieved to know that right now I can smile at lots of fun memories of him.  The image of his life coming to an end doesn't hurt as much because I can smile at our roadtrip to Boise; at oatmeal pies; at his lofty pen collection; and myriad of other things - especially all of his quirky sayings.  Why do I judge myself so harshly? 

If I thought he could understand my question and give me an answer, because I can be selfish, I would go and ask him if he knows that I love him and that he is always on my mind.  Does he know that I hold him in meditation and prayer as he approaches the mother of all journeys?  I would ask him for my own piece of mind because I want to know that he's not upset with me for leaving it up to my brother and my parents to take on the caretaking.  I would ask him if he understands my desire to remember him the way he was before he fell.  I would ask him if he understands that I can't bring myself to watch him whither away to the point of his last breath.

I feel weak! 

My grandfather and I shared the most intimate of spiritual moments when we alone watched my grandmother cease to breathe.  We talked a lot about it afterwards.  It became something we bonded over.  But I don't have the strength of heart to do it again, and so I guard myself by keeping a distance, and I hope with every bit of energy I have within me that he embarks on his journey soon...for his sake. 

These are the things that I presently feel and I'm sitting with them and cradling them the best way I know how.  I do my best not to judge myself too harshly.  Why should I?  And yet I do!  I'm trying to acknowledge what I feel and to honor it.  Most importantly, I'm trying to cope in a much better way than I did two years ago.  My heart hurts for me, for my dad, for my mom, for my brother and sister, and for many others who know and love Jasper Sipes.  But like I said, this entry was for me and about my own heavy heart.  It is what it is. 

I end with saying that I am sorry to my grandfather and I do hope he understands.  I think that if I were to say that and get a response, he would say...

"Love is NEVER having to say you're sorry."

...It is what he has always said to me whenever I felt the need to apologize for something.  I think now that I believe him. 

With a Heavy Heart,
C.L. Sipes

Quiet Complacency

Prayer flags outside on my deck

There are many topics that I could sit here and write about, but I think I've decided that I don't really feel like it. 

I am, at present, sitting on my bed with my back pressing my pillows into the headboard, and my dog is sprawled out next to me.  I've opened my blinds to let the sunshine in and a window is open to allow in the fresh air.  I can smell spring coming from outside; it's fresh and vibrant with the energy of life.  I love this time of year albeit the allergies that come along with it. 

Last Friday I sustained my first sunburn for the season during a picnic and a walk in the park and a few days ago I returned home from a relaxing weekend in Park City.  Thank you to my special someone for being such a gracious host and mini-vacation companion.  I'm eternally grateful!

My week off from work was a pleasant one, and I'm almost sad to be starting a new week at work tonight. Soon enough I will have to go to sleep for a while so that I can function for the ten hours and prepare myself for lack of sleep tomorrow. After writing this I will probably settle in to continue reading David Copperfield until I get tired, and then I will nap until it is time to get ready for work.  It is another magical week come and gone. 

Many things have been on my mind lately, but I'm not in the mood to drone on about them.  One of my more prominent thoughts has revolved around letting go.  This is something that is a constant theme and quite possibly the most difficult challenge I face daily - especially in regards to relationships.  However, I will revisit this another time as I'm still trying to formulate my thoughts and organize my feelings on the subject.  Maybe I'll get around to droning on about them later on in the week.  Until then, I really don't have much else to say for now.  I hope everyone has a fantastic week and that wherever you are, you get to enjoy nice spring weather.  Be well! 

Until Next Time...



A tree in bloom south of my apartment deck
 

 

A tree in bloom looking east of my deck

"How deeply did you let go?"

I Turned 10 On My 36th Birthday

Someone asked me how old I was feeling upon approaching my 36th birthday and I responded by saying that I certainly didn't feel 36: not that I know what 36 is supposed to feel like, but I just knew I didn't feel it.  What is one supposed to feel, anyway? 

That same someone then asked me how old I wanted to be and I told her I wanted to be 10.  10 years old is a good age.  10 years of age is old and young enough to enjoy being a kid while having a little bit more independence to do just that. 

I remember when I was 10 years old.  My favorite thing to do was to go outside and play with my friends or to ride my bike around the neighborhood.  The neighbor kids and I played football in the front yard, ran through sprinklers, played games of pretend, goofed off with my brother's Hot Wheel cars, and all sorts of other things.  We didn't stay indoors playing video games; we hated being inside.  Of course, it seems like we didn't worry as much back then about being abducted by strangers either.  I seem to recollect the outdoors - our neighborhoods - being much safer and secure back then. 

26 years later I look back on those days and think to myself that 10 really was a great age.  It is before puberty, before struggling with parents, before thinking we know everything, before pining for acceptance from our peers, and definitely before adults begin to think you are old enough to start taking on more responsibilities.  Indeed, hindsight is always 20/20!

Don't get me wrong, though.  I love being a grown up.  I love my full independence; my free will to come and go as I please; to either sleep all day or burn the candle at both ends; to work hard and earn what I have; to live in my own space; and so forth, but there are days when I feel the need to throw in the towel so that I can enjoy the 10 year old that is still a part of me.  That is what I wanted for my birthday and that is essentially what I got albeit on a small scale. 

I did work the night before and the night of my birthday meaning that I had to sleep through most of the day, but it was still a great day.  After 34 years old came and went in the midst of grief over losses and 35 flew by relatively uncared for by me, this year was a breath of fresh air and represented a new beginning in my heart's desire to celebrate me.  After all, why shouldn't I celebrate me? 

I've learned to love the person I am, to recognize my self-worth and value as a human being, and to accept the gracious love that so many are willing to bestow upon me.  I've learned self respect. 

Lotus Candle Holder

I had the desire to celebrate me this year and I held no expectations in others to fulfill that for me, but they did it anyway.  I heard from a multitude of people on that day whether it was on Facebook or through text messages and I smiled at every "Happy Birthday" wish. 

My very dear friend privately sang "Happy Birthday" to me (because she knew I had no desire for a chorus line of co-workers) at work as we were headed to lunch, and even though I felt myself turn beet red, it was still very much appreciated and I love her for it. 

Marvin Travel Mug

After waking up from six hours of sleep that day my girlfriend paid me a visit and brought gifts with her.  She gave me a gift card to a book store as well as a Marvin the Martian coffee travel mug and a ceramic lotus tea light candle holder.  I haven't tried out the candle holder yet but the mug is definitely one of my most favorite new possessions.  Once the gifts were opened she then took me out to dinner where I had a delicious meal and a little birthday dessert that even came with a single lit candle.  Aside from all of that, her presence that day was really all I needed.  The rest was just sweet icing.

Other gifts that I received for which I am very thankful for was a gift card to Starbucks, because what 10 year old doesn't need copious amounts of caffeine, and a stuffed crocodile from the classic Disney cartoon Peter Pan...Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.  Hehehehe! 

So...as you can tell, I didn't have a kiddy birthday party with balloons or a bouncy castle (which would have been awesome), but I did get spoiled with attention and gifts.  What 10 year old wouldn't want that on their birthday? 

To those of you who thought of me and wished me a Happy Birthday last Thursday, I thank you and I'm very very grateful to have you all in my life.  Thank you for helping me to celebrate me even when it is not my birthday.  I am a very fortunate 10 year old adult.  :-)

Remember to stay young! 

Much Love To You,
C.L. Sipes



Peter Pan Crocodile

 

Withdrawal - It Happens

I've been silent for nearly a month now with no real motivation or desire to return and compose an entry, but here I am anyway.  I just don't think I have a lot to say these days.  On the surface I've been outwardly living in a sort of mind-numbing autopilot while trying to stay afloat during tax time, vehicle registration responsibilities, and other adult tasks we are all plagued with.  I've also been working overtime and that always takes a little more out of me than I'm usually willing to admit.  However, internally I feel a bit tired and drained; maybe even a little morose.  I've not had much desire to talk. 

I know that is a little surprising but even I become pensive on occasion.  Sometimes it is what I need.

Anyway, since I'm not really keen on the idea of writing a long and drawn out blog entry tonight I'm just going to bullet-point the topics I wish to share and leave it at that.  Hopefully the mood and the inspiration will strike soon and I'll have a little something worth noting to share. 

So...

*  I have made it to the last book of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series and I hope to finish it within the next few days.  Next up:  David Copperfield by Dickens.

*  I turned 36 years old two days ago and I had a rather enjoyable birthday. 

*  Next weekend I'm going to Park City, UT. for a two night stay in a suite where I hope to experience lots of rest and relaxation.  I feel that it is needed and even deserved.  I will be in the company of my girlfriend who is hosting the weekend and who was also gracious enough to invite me along for it. 

*  I had to renew my driver's license on the morning of my birthday and that meant a new picture.  I spent all night being awake for work and it shows.  I wish they would let me keep my former picture. 

*  My warmest thoughts for coping and healing are with those in Boston, MA. as well as with those in TX. 

* A Thought:  Professional feedback isn't always something we like to hear depending on what it is, but it certainly is an eye-opener.  I guess that sometimes, after a few gentle hits with a pillow, a brick turns out to be the best way to get through to someone - me included.  The idea is to finally learn from it and come up with a plan for solutions. 

And that is all she wrote.  I hope you are well.  I shall return...eventually! 

Until Then,
C.L. Sipes