There is nothing quite like waking up to the fresh smell of rain in the air when most days I am used to breathing in the heavy particles of pollution one will always find in city life. I rose out of bed at about 4:00 this afternoon feeling more refreshed than I have in days in spite of my springtime allergies and although I wonder how I will sleep tonight, it was completely worth it.
I have been working the graveyard shifts at work, training in the new position that I was promoted to about two weeks ago. It has been a rough adjustment so far and there have been many moments when I wondered if I made the right decision but I think that once I am fully acclimated, it will be a decision I won't regret. My new schedule takes me to the seven days on, seven days off shift so there will be alternating weeks where I will get to still enjoy the sunlight of the summer months. Don't count on my blog entries being very frequent, though. They will come at least every other week for the foreseeable future. That is a fair warning.
Lately I've been busy with work and trying to sleep enough so I've not taken much time out for myself and it eventually caught up with me. I have things I "should" be doing like cleaning the kitchen, hanging up folded laundry from the washing I did five days ago, or straightening up other rooms in the apartment at least, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm currently the only human in the house but I'm accompanied by my four legged kids and they are all sleeping. I have I-tunes open and I'm listening to the meditative sounds of 2002 as I write this. For the first time in over a week, I can finally really feel myself breathing. I'm in the moment.
I haven't started reading a new book in at least three weeks and I've not worked on any writing. I've not written in my journal in almost a month. I seem to be fine with all of this so far. I'm trying not to focus on when it will come to pass that I'm not fine with it because the contentment I feel is enjoyable at the present time. I'm just sort of coasting along, I guess. I feel no pressure to get up and do stuff or to occupy all of my time with business; personal or otherwise. I like that kind of freedom when it presents itself. However, don't misunderstand me, it doesn't mean that I'm simply opting out of taking care of any regular adult and daily responsibilities. On the contrary, it means that I'm enjoying taking care of those things while still being in a calm state of being. The task master inside of me has quieted down. There is no obligatory bullet point list built in my head - instead I'm aware of what I need to do and I do them when I think of them. The type-A personality side of me is usually not so complacent as to give up that kind of control. It feels good for a change.
Life in my world, these days, is good. The only hang ups I seem to be encountering are the restless hours of sleep I get during the day; filled with strange dreams that I can't make much sense of. Sometimes I dream of work of all things. Sometimes I dream about people in my life whether they are close to me or merely acquaintances. Sometimes I dream strange intimate dreams about the most unlikely of anyone I currently have in my life and those are usually the most awkward dreams of them all. There are days when I wake up disoriented from the vividness of some of these dreams and/or nightmares but I can't recall the details, the settings, or the stories no matter how much I long to. So, rather than keep a dream journal or any other such documentation, I just let them go. I figure that if they are not going to stick around long enough for me to fully become awake from them then there must be a reason for me to not grab on to them. I don't know if this is right thinking or not but I seem to have no other choice. At any rate, dreams have always been a strange product of the subconscious for me and I struggle with the subconscious world of my mind. If I allow myself to be overly analytical I tend to get frustrated so I simply choose to wait for the answers of the mysteries to surface before I invest anything into them. Is this right thinking? I don't know. I want to move on, though.
I'm feeling strangely romantic and light; almost ethereal, today. I don't mean romantic in the sense of the word that you may all be thinking at this moment. I'm not talking about romance between two people: the lovey dovey stuff you see on the big screen and whatnot. I mean that I can feel my mind floating among the clouds, thinking of the world I live in and what life I've chosen for myself. I'm thinking about how it seems to be great, that it is something to be grateful for, but that it also feels as though it is missing a component or two. I can't put my finger on it, really. I don't think I'll try to because attempting to force it never ends well. I'll patiently wait for it to come to me.
There is a part of me that, underneath it all, is genuinely something out of a storybook. I feel like I could go outside and ride the wind and be happy with being invisible to the world for a moment or two. I feel slightly new and even a bit pensive. I wonder if it is the rain that causes that? Whatever it is, today is a day when I could be dangerously open to anyone who would give me the first opportunity to make room for it. I could put it all out there, feel safe and trusting, and allow closeness. I'm typically a person who doesn't like to be touched but I would almost welcome it now. A soft caress to the cheek or a light meaningful embrace is what I mean - or even a light but passionate kiss; the kind that lets you know that you are the only two people that matter right now. This is an unusual but exquisite line of thinking for me. I don't usually leave the door ajar to the core of me but I could do it today and I could share a slow dance or two through my thoughts. I feel uncomfortable with extended eye contact with another person because it is so personal but I fear I could allow it today. I could look into a piercing set of eyes and give them access to the windows of my soul and there they would see right through those walls. I could allow that and that is a frightening feeling for me. What if I felt something? How would I respond to it and how would I act on it? I wonder if I would fall in love (again, not in the sense that people may commonly think) or completely melt away into my emotions. I wonder if I would get lost; mesmerized by the act of that kind of trust. It's interesting to look at all of this as I write it, to touch it and just reach my hand out to it without actually closing my fist around it. I wonder what would happen if I did and who would be the person aside from my self that I shared this with.
Now you see what I mean when I mention the hopeless romantic in me - that lighter side that I can write about but have such a difficult time talking about. Giving a voice to the heart of who I am is a foreign but not altogether strange concept to me. I'm getting better at it, but I long to go a step further. I think this entry arrives on the cusp of the desire to take steps into sharing these things or acting on them so-to-speak. However, I question if I feel confident enough to know when to pull back and how to not lunge forward. I question trust, in myself and in others, but I want it so much that I can taste it and feel it. That feels cryptic, doesn't it? This whole entry does, really. But I understand it and I think that is what really matters.
So there you have it. This is the dance I experience more regularly than anyone who knows me might realize. I sway and move to the rhythm of my own music; dancing slowly to the melody of my thoughts and feelings, with just me. But I would like to have a dancing partner or perhaps a few who will dance to my melody with me and I with them. I'd like to share that and be honored by another sharing theirs with me. I'd like to share it with the world and every time I meet a new person that is meant to be my friend, even if for only a moment, I want to dance that dance. And I want to dance it to music that sounds like what I've posted below. It is a slow dance but it can be upbeat and wild; unreserved and abandoned as well, but not this time This time it is an intimate dance full of the freshness of life, of new relationships, of emotion and thought, and joy. It is a smile given by the whole body and a celebration of the gladness to have encountered one another. It is for the benefit of everyone and it is also only for the benefit of me. This is the ethereal romantic dreamer in me. May the whole world, one day, just dance.
Thank you for reading this and for allowing me to share it with you. I love you all my friends, my neighbors, and my family. I really do! :-)